Singing’ The Blues ..... Baby Blues, that is! |
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Yes, darlings , Hedda is back again with all the latest goat berries from around Caprine land. This week my little playmates, Hedda had talked to didn't even have to leave her own barn. I got all the berries while listening to a human telling Mom what had happened at their farm the night before. From the way Mom was acting, I decided to slip up to the barn window and do a little eavesdropping. And what a story! So, grab your feed dish, sweeties, and snuggle in the hay, while Hedda tells you one hilarious tale about the folks over on at the Gilley Farm. " El Cheapo, ' I heard the lady say, " and I had just got home from work and parked down by the barn to unload feed, when we heard a doe bellering serious distress. EC, as I call him, jumped out of the truck and headed toward the barn at a dead run, but my seat belt had jammed, and all I had was a tiny pocketknife in the truck, so I got it out and hacked that thing to death until it let me go!" " Duchess is kidding!" EC yelled." "We had been so worried about her because she was so big. We just knew she was having quads or quints, she could hardly fit through the feed room door. After I got loose, I ran to the barn to find EC on his knees working feverishly to help Duchess. From the size of the head that was protruding, this was a monster kid. " Gloves, medical kit !" the EC screamed at me. So I ran to the tack room, and of course, they were not where they belonged. Nothing ever is around our place. I tore the place up until I spied our show box in the corner. I grabbed it and just dumped it out on the floor. Ah ha! Oh no ....I headed toward the barn door and yelled at EC, who was trying his best to play Dr. Dolittle, that I could only find 1 glove. I couldn't believe it, there was EC saying to Duchess " you’re doing fine now ... come on ... breathe. { puff, puff, puff } now...push." I thought he had lost his mind. "For crying out loud, John, this is not a Lamaze class! What are you puffing for?" "Shut up and give me the gloves!" EC yelled back. " I can only find one glove... now what?" " So ... how many hands do you think I can fit in here at one time anyway?” Dad sputtered. I grabbed the glove and the med. kit, but when I spun around to leave the tack room, wouldn't you know it. I fell flat over these two kids that had followed me inside. Almost broke my neck. Did EC care....noooo .. all he did was yell for me to get in gear. Muttering under my breath at the kids as I scrambled up, leaped out of the room and threw John the glove. But, those darn kids, knowing it was feeding time, figured it must be EC who had all the goodies, so they ran over to him. One jumped on his back while the other one kept trying to but his head under John's armpit looking for a teat." I started to laugh, but that just made him mad. "Get these darn kids off me!" By that time, the other kids in the barn knew something exciting was afoot, and had dashed over to see what it was. He had kids standing against his back, draped over his shoulders, and one had it’s nose right in the middle of everything, trying to see what all the fuss was about. Besides, it was always Dad who fed them, and it was feeding time. "Will you stop standing there and do something! I can't deliver this kid while other kids are bouncing all over me!" J I tried grabbing some of the little pests, but as soon as I had one off of him, another took its place. But then I got this brilliant idea, cattle panel! I snatched the hammer off of the wall and ran outside. looking for a piece. The only place I saw one was, unfortunately, enclosing the end of one of the bucks pens. But, I thought, what the hey, he might not notice ... I popped the panel loose all the while praying that the buck would not realize what was happening. But, it was soon obvious that who ever listens to prayers from a crazy woman was out for lunch, because as I dragged the panel away toward the barn, this evil gleam dawned in that buck’s eyes. You could just see the wheels turning , 'Free at last, oh Lord, I am free at last!' You know, the thought of suicide passed through my mind when I saw him running toward the yearling pen, leaping joyously in the air with every step like a spring kid. Disgusting creature! Just then, John yelled at me to hurry up, so I decided I couldn't worry about that dumb buck right then. Dragging the panel into the barn, I leaned it crosswise across the opening of the small area where John was doing his best to ease this huge kid out of Duchess. Meanwhile, he had a whole herd of kids trying to use him for a launching pad. I snatched a couple of bungie straps, and strapped the cattle panel to the wall, and started putting the kids on the other side. As soon as they were all out, I thought I could just maybe slip on up to the house and let EC handle this one on his own. I am no good at kidding. But, wouldn't you know it, he caught me out of the corner of his eye trying to sneak out of the barn. " YOU GET RIGHT BACK HERE! I'm not doing this by myself, you're the one who wanted to have all these goats, now you're gonna help me. Hurry up and get me a beer out of the little fridge." Now we always had a six pack of beer in the barn fridge, cause it was great at starting a rumen. I dashed to the barn kitchen thinking that this was probably the best idea that John had ever had ... he knew how upset I got at kidding. I had just grabbed the beer, popped the top, and started drinking it, when I saw John looking at me like he wanted to strangle me. "Not for you, stupid, for the doe to help her relax." Of course, how silly of me. So, I grabbed another beer, and squeezed around the cattle panel next to poor Duchess. It didn't take me long to find out that this was going to be easier said than done. She had always loved a sip of beer, but this time, she tried to use her head as a battering ram. She did not want to open those jaws and let me pour any beer in HER mouth. And I got a news flash for you. If you are trying to get a goat to drink something they don't want to, you better have more back up than I had. I did manage to get a couple of tiny swallows down her, but ended up wearing most of it. And, for some reason, this dumb thought popped into my head that by mixing beer with the perfume I had on called ' Desire' I could rename it 'Drunken Desire" and make a fortune selling it in bars... rich, I tell you, I was gonna be rich! In my dreams, anyway. Just then, Duchess let out with a beller right in my ear, and I would have fell over on my fanny if I hadn't had my hand tangled in her collar, instead I only almost broke my hand. I got down next to her to loosen my hand, and what does she do? Decides to roll her 225 pound carcass over onto my lap. Great, I now had a broken hand and a squashed lap to go with it. 'What fun!' I thought, while I shoved and wiggled around trying to get out from under her. I was really getting tired of being Florence Nightingale to Dr. Dolittle. " Will you stop messing around, John, and get that darn kid out!" "What the heck do you think I’m trying to do? Shove it back in? It’s stuck." Duchess kept bellering, John kept pulling, and I ... I did the only thing that you or any red blooded goat breeder would do at that moment. I started crying, ranting, and raving about selling every one of them darn things so I wouldn’t have to go through this again. Since it was obvious that she was not going to let me pour any more beer down her throat, I figured I might as well drink it myself, but yuk, it was hot and had straw and little goat berries stuck to the can. So I slipped out, and over the cattle panel telling EC I was going to get another beer for poor Duchess. " Yeah ... right ... more for poor Anita probably, ' he muttered. Just then John succeeded in slipping the head of this big doe along with a set of feet right out of Duchess like it was just a piece of cake. Seconds later, the kid was on the ground and I was tying off the umbilical cord. Cleaning the kid up, I laid her on the scale. Sixteen pounds! Taking a sip of beer, I was just starting to relax, when I hear John groan, "Oh ... no ... here we go again.... Why can’t these goats just have one kid at a time?" Fortunately, this kid was smaller and it slid out like it was Teflon. When John said it was a buck, I thought immediately that would make a good name for him. " The Teflon Don." [ ha ha ] I tied that kid's umbilical off and putting him down next to Duchess who was struggling to get on her feet, I said, "Whew! I don’t think I can go through another one like this..." "YOU!" my husband shouted. The way those veins were sticking out of his neck, you woulda thought he was gonna have a stroke or something. " All you did was guzzle beer!" Now, that ticked me off. " Oh ....yeah ... Dr. Dolittle, " I shouted back, and the war was on. We were bickering back and forth when we heard Duchess tenderly bleating at her babies. There she stood, like nothing had ever happened, lovingly nuzzling her kids while she glared at us as if to say, " Shut up! Can't you see you're upsetting my babies?" It was such a beautiful moment. El Cheapo sat down on the hay bale next to me, smiling as we enjoying the scene before us. All the frantic stress and irritation started to melt away. "By the way.." EC said" That cattle panel was a great idea, but where did you get it? I I didn't think we had any extra pieces." Cattle panel! Heaven help me! I started to get sick to my stomach when I thought of what was probably going on in that yearling pen outside. I jumped up, almost knocking El Cheapo over and raced out of the barn, wondering if there was enough bullets in the pistol to properly kill myself with. Even though John had no idea what the problem was, he jumped up and ran after me. " What in the world's wrong with you!" he cried. All I could do was pant, " Buck ... yearlings pen ...shoot myself! " However, when I rounded the corner of the yearling pen, I stopped and started laughing. There was the Saanen buck, eyes filled with rage, tossing his head and pawing the ground. In front of him sat, Fatso, the Sheepdog - Wolfhound mix, Apache the Aussie, and Shy, another mix breed, almost nose to nose with him. They were between him and the yearling pen, as if to say, " No way, Bud, no fun for you today! John walked up and grabbed the buck by his chain, and led him back to his pen, shaking his head every now and then and mutter, " Why me, Lord, why me?" I nailed the cattle panel back in place, and added a few more just to make sure that he wouldn't try to rearrange it any. I was exhausted. Thank goodness, we have no more does to kid this week. I don't think I could take it. At least, they're not supposed to. I would be surprised if all the does had a barn meeting and planned how to make sure that when they kidded, we wouldn't be anywhere in sight. They probably told each other, ' Look here, if we don't want those idiots down here again, you all just need to spit 'em out, clean 'em up and keep your mouth shut!' And we only have 20 more kiddings to go! " These two were laughing up a storm by then. Now, tell me ... have your darlings heard anything disfunctional? What's so funny about kidding? Hedda would like to know. Matter of fact, I think I'm going to slip out of the pasture tonight and trip on over to their place to encourage those poor girls. Obviously, they need it! But, it's that time again,dear fans. Hedda must head off to the milk room and amaze my Mom with my wondrous milk production. You know, if she gives me extra grain, I might even let her keep the milk in the bucket this time. Oh dear, do you think is Hedda getting soft in her dainty young age? Well, ta-ta..till next time, watch out for the berries in the water bucket! 
BEFORE KIDDING SEASON Kidding season! I can't wait to see all those cute little kids!)
DURING KIDDING SEASON You bucks get out one more time!
AFTER KIDDING SEASON What do you mean... I need some rest?
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