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Dear Fans, I hope this month's gossip column finds you in good health and good weather. It has been so bad here, that Hedda hasn't stuck her foot out the door for weeks. But, never fear...Hedda doesn't need to travel far to garner a nice tid bit of gossip. I ran into my dear friend Serendipity Sable at the our favorite goat doctor's office. I was thrilled to hear that she has her own syndicated column giving advice to Caprines. And, to Caprine Owners when necessary. So, I asked her if she would contribute to our column this month and she agreed to share a letter she had received with us. It is from the Mom at Shady Glen Farm, and she really needed help. So snuggle down, hock some cud, and enjoy. P.S. If you have any problems of your own that you would like SS to help with, just email her at blkfoot@hcil.net
Dear Serendipity Sable, Help !!!! I am at my wits end, SS, and desperately need your advice. I am at my wits ends ... I honestly love my goats, but I don't think they love me at all! When its feeding time, they are so rude to me. The push me away, step on my feet, knock feeders out of my hands, and are always breaking their chains trying to see if I have played favorites and gave someone else a little something different, more feed than I gave them, or just to make me stop milking and have to go look for a hammer to fix it. Yes, I am so depressed at how they treat me. They break my fingernails, ruin my clothes, knock the blue lotion all over me every chance they get, and act like they are kidding just so I will sleep in a cold barn! They never give me doe kids when I want them, only bucks. If I want bucks, they give me does. No matter how much attention and grooming they get, if they don't want to go to a show, it takes 3 people to push them in the trailer. Then, they break out when we get there and run all over the fairgrounds. If there is a milk out, they stick their foot in the bucket before it can be weighed and spill it all. They hate me!!!!! And I don't understand why. It is no secret that I go all out to make sure they every little thing to make their lives happy, which in itself, makes El Cheapo livid. He doesn't understand why, when I get them so much, they buy me nothing. For instance, there was a big show coming up in Perry, Georgia. I wanted them to look their best, so I ordered all these gold collars and show chains for them. It helped so much to accent their slender dairy necks. The only thing I wear around my neck dirty ring around the collar, and some extra wrinkles. When I found out that it was going to be cold at the Dothan, Alabama show, I didn't hesitate. I made them all matching insulated goat coats, each one embroidered with their name and trimmed in gold tassels. They looked so beautiful in them. They knew that I had to keep my show whites clean, so what do they do? Right before we walk in the ring, they make it a special point to slap their dirty little hooves all over them just so the judge gives me dirty looks and everyone else thinks I am some kind of bag lady. And it is all thanks to them! I have never failed to buy them nothing but the best shampoos and grooming supplies. Even the judges have commented on the silky condition of their hair and the way their hoof just sparkle when we walk in the ring. But me, the only shampoo I ever get to buy is a bar of Castile soap, you know the kind, lots of lye. My hair sticks out all over in a fuzz bomb. Why, I have even had kids come up and ask me if I could autograph their show brochure because they think I am Ronald McDonald. It is so humiliating. Then there is their udders, so soft and supple. How you may ask? Because I spend hundreds of dollars on Skin so Soft for them, and udder balm. The judges just love a doe with a soft, supple udder. Shoot, I can't even get anyone to shake my hands. They are like a piece of dried out leather, so cracked and brittle. And my skin? Let's just say that a prune has nothing on me. Heck, if the shoe was on the other foot, and they were showing me .... I would be disqualified, not only for lack of breed character, but poor conditioning. Every month, I know they hear El Cheapo and I arguing over the canceled check that I have written to Jeffers, The feed store, the vet, and for top quality peanut hay. Then, to top it off, there are all those special minerals I order from Nutritional Research. That check usually causes El Cheapo to go into cardiac arrest. I have to jump up and down on his chest to revive him, unless he is in the goat pasture when he has one, and they I let the kids do it. They use him for King of the Mountain. That's what he gets for yelling at me. You should have been here, SS, the day that I brought home all these barrel and breach balls to play with, along with the air mattresses to make laying in the barn and pasture more comfortable. El Cheapo was just standing there staring at this stuff, and I thought ' Whew! I'm gonna get away with this, when that darn UPS shows up with the box of special made sun bonnets I had ordered for them. Why can't he understand that it is imperative that we protect their sweet little eyes from the rays of the bright summer sun. After all, a doe with bloodshot eyes is hardly going to impress a judge in the show ring. On second thought, you shouldn't have been here, it was none too pleasant. I'm just glad that we do not have any guns on the place. And another thing, do they show appreciation for the 5 acres of beautiful pasture they have, or the excellent barn that we built them? The barn has its own music system, fans, automatic waterers, and each one has their own feeder with their name on it. Even the bucks have their own triplex with automatic waterer's, stereo system, and lounging run. Yet, they show no consideration for the fact that I went to bat for them to have this nice place, when El Cheapo had his eyes on 6 acres of lakefront with its own dock and BBQ patio. There was no way I was going to set up goat raising on a place that has more water than pasture, not to mention tempting El Cheapo with a huge BBQ pit. I had a sneaky feeling what he would be BBQ'ing! I had to convince him that this piece of property was just as nice, and had its own waterfront, even if it was just a drainage ditch. I was more than willing to stock it with Bass, all he had to do was say the word. Even though I went out on a limb, one that EC was busy sawing off behind me, were those little darlings satisfied? Nope. Instead of staying in their lovely pasture they would get out and go up and down our road snacking on the neighbor's crape myrtles, gardens , rose bushes, and hedges. What did they care that we had to hire a professional landscaper to replace all their snacks. I tried to explain to EC, it would better if he convinced had just convinced the neighbors to let their yards return to nature. Indeed, the rustic look is big this year. I have sat and sat today thinking why I have not sold each and every one of these bleating animals. They show me no respect or love, unless you want to count their crowding all around me, putting manure covered hooves all over the only clean clothes I have when they know I have company driving in the lane. Or is love what you call chewing on my hair, or slobbering all over me while they try to knock me down with their ‘love’ rubs? (On second thought, maybe it's just because they are trying to sneak past me into the feed room. Hmmm .... I hadn't thought about that.) The only reason I can possibly think of is that they have actually saved me money on my own medication. No longer do I take low blood pressure pills or something to help me sleep. No longer do I worry about strokes, now I just contemplate the heart attack I know is hiding around the corner of the barn in the form of sly buck on the prowl. Can you PLEASE help me Miss Sable??? Before they do something terrible to me??? Like have all buck kids this year or something? If you can't, that’s OK, I’ll get ‘em back ... somehow .. someday... just as soon as I figure out how... But for right now....I guess I'll just have to put up with them and love them for the same reason El Cheapo puts up with me. What’s that? Who knows........ Signed, Desperate in Alabama Dear Desperate: It is obvious to me that the problem lies with El Cheapo and not you or your goats. Goats are notoriously ungrateful which is their elegance. They do not have to be grateful as they consent to let you be their owner. This is a privilege not given lightly. It is apparent that you love your animals and provide with the necessities and all the things you have listed are absolutely necessary from SS point of view. So, perhaps you need to consider replacing EC with a much buck much more suited to catering to our needs. Remember, show time is proving time, and if you can't prove to your dears how much you love them, they will certainly not prove how good a mother you are in the show ring or milk outs. Anymore problems feel free to contact SS or even send your message to Hedda as she can contact me at anytime. I am in the next chalet down. Sincerely, SS Don't forget to write Hedda if you have any solutions or problems... but, until then....TaTa ..and watch out for the berries in the water bucket!
Date Last Modified: 11/13/00 CopyrightISBA2000
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